Saturday, 25 April 2015

My One Chance at a Bachelor Date, And I Will Never Remember It

I have wanted to write these words since the day I started remembering. But it turns out it is really hard to write about the few memories I have with the memory loss. But I want to piece it together, for my own peace of mind. It is like I want to will the memories back by writing it down. I need to accept that is not true. But my heart just wants to hope.

Rewind to February 20. After 10 years of friendship Hoser and I were about to embark on our first road trip. Our relationship was going international. I now remember that we had actually been planning this for ages. We arranged to go to the cabin in Montana for a weekend in February and a weekend in March. We planned to snowboard/ski/relax/shop. It was just a chance for us to catch up and have girl time and just do whatever. I was stoked. 

I came home from work and she arrived quickly. We tossed our crap in the back of a Rouge and I said goodbye to Jeff. I remember us laughing about how oddly dusty her ski stuff was but that it didnt matter since it hadnt snowed in ages. We stopped for subway in Cardston and decided to drive and eat which mean I spilled a ton on myself. I think the roads got pretty crappy after that. The border was quick and the drive seemed slow as the roads were barely visible. I remember taking a turn at Big Fork and just missing the cabin but then getting there without too much trouble. The hardest part was figuring out the door lock. I assume we went straight to bed as it must have been almost midnight but I have no idea what we talked about on the drive.

Saturday. I know we went for breakfast at Homestead and went to Target and got the mail, and bought coasters for her dad. I think we drove up to the mountain before dinner to see if there was enough snow to go before we drove home. We had dinner at Tamarack and I think we tried to watch a show but couldnt figure out the TV so went to bed.

The end. Of my memory. I dont remember waking up, or putting the sheets in the wash, or getting ready or loading up the car. I dont remember driving to the mountain, or parking or pulling out my stuff. I have a vague memory of paying for a pass but it could just be because I saw a pass on my clothes. I dont remember the 5 runs we had. Or the conditions. I dont remember if I was sucking or nailing it. 

I am told that we were on about the 6th run. I had told Hoser to go ahead as she was skiing and faster than I was. She heard a scream and took off her skis and started to hike back up. She found me carrying my board walking. I didnt know where I was, what had happened or anything, other than who she was. My helmet was cracked. Apparently I thought I was going to be sick frequently and no one was passing us so we had to hike all the way down the mountain. Turns out walking down a mountain with a snowboard and a girl that doesnt have any clue whats going on is quite time consuming and difficult. I know even less about what took place over the next 24 hours. Apparently someone checked me out and they called a helicopter. 


I am clearly not over this.

They made Hoser drive my car to the hospital so she was pretty bummed that she didnt get to join me in the helicopter. Apparently I was at the hospital for quite some time. I have a vague memory of trying to strip as I didnt recognize the clothes I was wearing and hated them. ( It should be noted that I had to get rid of the sweater I was wearing because it brought up immense amounts of hatred when I saw it after the accident.) I also remember seeing my brother in law and talking about some girl he had seen previously. Apparently I think she is a slut and told the whole hospital that. Turns out I am quite funny and dramatic when I have no idea what is going on. I was very stuck on the point that having a brain injury was hilarious for me as I work in a brain injury clinic. So true. I also was confused as to whether or not I was pregnant and if I was still married since I didnt have my ring on. ( I would never wear my ring snowboarding but apparently that was not reassuring) I guess they did a CT scan and it was clear. Jeff was called. He drove all the way down.

Hoser says I cried the whole way home from the hospital when they finally let me go. Poor Hoser, she hates tears. I do know that eventually she found scrubs online for me to watch but then Jeff came and took it away. I was very upset at that point. I guess he called Lindsay the physio I work with and she said no screens for the first day haha. I didnt care. I needed to watch scrubs! And I kept trying to find my phone. It was a good thing they took it away because the texts I found that I had sent were not ideal. I just kept texting people letting them know I didnt know what was going on and why my head and butt hurt so much and how I got to Montana. I had no clue about anything.

My memory starts to come back on Monday. I woke up in my in-laws room which was confusing as i had never been in there before. I remember waking up and not knowing the year, or the month, or where my ring was, or where all of my hair went ( I had cut 12-13 inches off two months prior). I remember being terrified. Hoser was gone and I couldnt figure out how she could have left ( she took my car home as she had to work), and I kept finding the things I bought and having no memory of buying any of it! Jeff got me out to breakfast and when I asked the waitress if I had been there two days before with Hoser, I was trying so hard to piece together the weeekend, she didnt know as she wasnt working then. I started to cry. How could she not know! Monday was very difficult. I spent the day, and the drive home looping. I kept asking what happened. How my body hurt so much. Why didnt I buy more starburst candies? Why werent we home yet? Did I have a job? What was going to happen with me missing work? Did Hoser have a boyfriend? Why did I buy that ugly sweater? Why did my brother in law like that girl I hated?

Jeff says it took us twice as long to get home as I kept feeling nauseous. I dont remember that. The next few days were when I started to remember actually planning the trip and parts of it. It was still hard though. Acknowledging I couldnt go to work quite yet. That I was exhausted and so sore and stressed. And then starting to come to terms with the fact I would likely never remember anything.

As the bills started to come in the mail it felt real. Before that, sure I had the pain, but there was nothing tangible saying that I was hurt. There didnt seem to be proof. Other than the hospital band I woke up to on my wrist. 

Its been almost 9 weeks. And honestly, I didnt tell a lot of people what happened. Family and some close friends new but it seemed to be stressful so it felt easier to pretend it didnt happen. To just try and move on. But as I sit here and write I still feel the aching. I long to remember. To just be able to articulate my experiences. To know what it was like to be in a helicopter. Instead, I sit here trying to write the memories I have been told and the patches I remember and realize that all I will remember are these killer headaches and how terrifying it was to wake up with no clue what was going on. So here it is.

I had my one chance to ride in a helicopter across the beautiful mountains of Montana , just like a crazy bachelor date, and I will never remember it.