And I've Been Dying to Get Out and That Might Be the Death of Me

There is a suffocating feeling when I realize this is my life. Like the walls are closing in and there is no way out. Trapped in a job that is not my career without the ability to leave because of an exam I cant seem to overcome and the pure fact that this prison like facility pays me too well for me to afford freedom. I find positions I would love but half the pay is a struggle. I don't lead a life without responsibility. I have a man. Loans. A home. I cant just follow passion and forget about the bills. As much as I wish I could. And the alternative has seemed so far out of reach the past 9 months. It was supposed to be simple. Just take an exam they said. No one ever told me what failure would feel like.

I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so You won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate.

That feeling when you are treading water and your muscles are cramping and you begin to sink just enough to take in the water and remind yourself that quitting is the end always seems to come the moment before reprieve. It feels like I have been living that eternal moment for a long while. Trying to keep myself going but knowing that I am near exhaustion and frustration and that reality is close. I near found reprieve a few weeks ago when I interviewed for a position in a fitness centre that I knew I would enjoy. I felt confident and like I might have found my niche, at least until my dreams came true. And then the water pulled just a little bit harder and I felt that grasping sense of despair as I realized that the pay cut was far beyond what expenses allowed. It was just like another tease of rescue as the waves curled up a little bit further.

I gotta get outta here, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

As per life, the moments when I felt like I really couldn't stay on this path much longer without some sort of light to look towards the reprieve arrived. I have finally found that passionate feeling I lost a long time ago. A sense of renewal, hope and excitement. It is as if I am giddy constantly awaiting the light of October. I have joined a program for inspiring youth through yoga, meditation and self inquiry. After a day of training and coming to see the potential of this opportunity I realized this was my lifesaver. I was finally getting out and reminding myself that life isn't meant to be suffered through. That work doesn't have to be that overwhelming burden of darkness. That passion and love can be the basis for the future. 

I'm giving up on doing this alone now. Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how. 

I have those inklings of fear as I realize I have a waiting period of ten weeks before everything changes. Before I give up the familiar for the unknown. That in that time I will once again find out results that have twice been negative. That my world is about to change in a way I could have never dreamed. I may be finding a way to get out that wont be the death of me. 

Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake. I gotta get outta here. And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

A Fear of Escalators

March 1, 2011. I first wrote on the overcoming escalators blog explaining the purpose of it all. I wrote of how I wanted to overcome fears. To become something more and to take hard paths when they were right. How I get anxiety when faced with a lack of stairs and how I knew being scared of escalators was something ridiculous.

Fears come from experience. At least for me.When I was young, I want to say pre grade five as I remember the cute little leather shoes I wore that day, I had my shoelace caught in an escalator. The problem was solved rapidly but the fear began. Later when I was 18 my mother and older sister convinced me to run up a down escalator. I was stubborn and adamant that this was not a good idea. Peer pressure won and up I attempted to run. This resulted in a beautifully ungraceful fall and a painful escalator trail of cuts of my legs. And thus began the real fear. Escalators become a place of pain and anxiety. I often would say I preferred the stairs for fitness reasons and not that I was actually afraid. Avoidance became my behaviour only furthering my anxiety and fear when avoidance was not an option.

Later, I once found myself in Vegas, a land of many escalators. I remember clenching the rail and focusing on my breath and the plan to step of in a fashion that would not result in injury. This continued as I allowed myself to feel controlled by my fears.

I dont know how it all began or perhaps I do. But I have come to point in my life where I no longer accept that giving control away is the only option. I have watched in myself and in my loved ones the agony that comes when we allow something external to control us. Sometimes it fear, sometimes it is a human, and sometimes it is ourself. Yet the truth of it is we are allowing ourselves to submit when we have options.

I became a child of divorce in what seems like a lifetime ago and there reached a point where I had to acknowledge that I could continue to be bitter and broken or I could take control. I could no longer allow my emotions and mental health to be a pawn in the shattering I saw. I stepped away and took control for myself. It could be viewed that I should have relationships I dont and it could be said that I am unreasonable. But my reality is that I stopped allowing my fear to define me.

I will not allow my fear of escalators inhibit my life. Just as I will not allow someone else to dictate my expression of thought again. I am stronger now. I will overcome these escalators.

Begin, Again.

I have had a lot to say for a long time. Sometimes I just have a hard time finding my voice. Or my forum. My blog was my everything. And time passed and hearts were broken and dreams were crushed my and blog changed. Twice. And I regret letting go of those beginnings,, only because the reason I let go was due to the fact that my words were being used as a tool against me. To be fair no words were lost. They were just brought from one page to another. It was the principle of it all I suppose.But I am one to let loss linger. To feel like I can save things for later. Cutting ties seems so hard. And yet so easy. I cut them quicker than I like to believe. I also feel longer than I admit.

Reagardless. Here I am. Back on a page I long ago discarded. One that I thought couldn't be reused. New beginnings of an old life. So here I am.