Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Non Resolutions

I don't resolve. I don't sit there as the New Years rings in making resolutions that will only be forgotten. I don't post articles and comments to create the facade that I am perfect or keeping my life in order. But I am trying. I decided this year I would come to understand my pain and find the healthiest way to cope with it so that I can be a mother. I decided to make a change. I have attended appointments and committed to learning and changing. And for the first time I am realizing I have changed.

As the hours passed at work yesterday the misery settled in further. My eyes ached and watered, my chest was tight, the sinuses were congested, and my whole body ached. I knew I was out of sick time. Thank you accident. So I had a choice to make. I try to never be be one calling in sick. But I knew it was better to plan ahead than to last minute create chaos. So I planned with the higher ups for a sick day. I helped rearrange calendars and ensured my day of rest would affect as few people as possible. 

I stocked up on vitamin c and orange juice and eye drops and nasal spray. I curled up into bed early and allowed myself to sleep in. There was slight guilt over the time off as I awoke still feeling human. And then it began. The cold was something I could survive even with my allergy to any medications that could help. But the pain began. It was the same pain that sent me to the emergency room 6 months ago. Yet I knew that this would not be the case today. I had already arranged my sick day which was a huge unforeseen blessing. I sat in a hot bath. I took painkillersand placed   hot packs on my devil organ.  I recognized the pain was not a consequence, just a fact. That I needed to logically follow all self management strategies known and then let it take its course. And then I realized I had changed. I reached acceptance. I had reframed the thoughts on pain. I had realized that this was just a small part of my life and wasn't the definition of me. 

I may not make lists of goals I will never achieve. But I think today was just a little reminder to myself that I have grown up. And am finally taking care of myself. All it took was me realizing how hard becoming and mother could be for me and that I want to give myself the best chance at if. And some times that means slowing down and letting my body sort itself out. Hopefully one day all this pays off with a tiny human.

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Questions Asked That You Don't Want To Hear

"Are you happy?"

The words stared back from the screen. Why would you ask that? Why would that be your first deep question when we were just talking about the weekend. About your life. It hurt. It felt like a knife coming in near the heart. And only because you wouldn't have asked if you thought I was happy. I hated that you noticed. That you asked. That you asking, made the flaws keeping me down even more apparent. 

Words spilled. Words I wanted so badly to stay in the jar. To stay close to my soul.  I started to recognize why things were falling apart internally. It's May. Just days between your birthday and the day you left us. Just a short time time away from what marks 5 years. Five years. It sounds like an eternity and yet in these moments, the scars feel so fresh.

The answer couldn't have been a yes and be true. I knew internally I was shattered. My insecurities have been mounting. The recognition that people always leave and my ability to try and pull away and leave first. Noticing my guarding and selfish thoughts in an attempt to protect myself from the enemy. Unfortunately, it's hard to guard yourself from yourself. So the truth had to be no. 

I am feeling so unaffected. My affect is flat. I don't feel happy and I know it. And I don't know how I am going to fix this. But I think you asking is a start as it made me realize that something is very wrong. That I can't keep living like this.