Friday, 10 October 2014

The Desperation of A College Girl Wanting A Boy to Call, Except Eight Years Later and Its Not Love That Is Supposed To Call

I feel like I am back in my early years of university, or even high school. Watching my phone, waiting for it to ring. Wondering if he actually likes me enough to call. Did I make a good impression, was I everything I needed to be? Every possible moment a glance is stolen towards the phone. I cant miss it. I bring it everywhere. I need this call. I cant breathe until it comes. I need to be the one.

I read the book He's Just Not That Into it back in high school with my bff Hoser. Her and I laughed over it and how true so much was many times, we watched the movie together and shared even more thoughts. We had both been THAT girl before. Mostly me though. She is cooler than I am. Right now I feel like breaking all those rules, calling incessantly until I get the right person and response. Stalking them. Having someone else call to say how amazing I am, thats what friends are for right? I have all of those thoughts screaming in my head, telling me to just be that kind of crazy person. It is the only option.

I thought once I was married this would all go away. Apparently insecurity just finds new outlets. This does not make me happy.

I have reached the point where I am positive this is a form of psychological torture. They know how much I want it, how much I live for this call, so they dangle it. Just like a boy saying he will call. Oh I will call you. How do you know when its true? I have met boys I thought would never call and they did, and ones that always used their charm to let you know you were the one just so they could string you along and screw you over every chance they had. Is this what is happening? Is this all just a game?

In case it hasnt become apparent yet, I am going out of my mind. I cannot handle this. If I could I would just leave my office for the gym for the rest of the work day to try and take my mind off of this. Why do I have to be stuck in an office with far too few distractions? I cannot handle this. I am going inasne! I am trying to will my phone to ring. I may really be losing it. I feel desperate. I want to reach for desperate measures. I have that crazed look in my eyes. I am just like the girl I was 8 years ago, wanting so desperately to be wanted, to be loved. Eight years is only long enough to change every single thing and yet nothing at all.  Hopefully this lack of a call isnt enough to stunt my next eight years of growth and non growth.

Being human is hard.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let It Be

I am not patient. I do not like to wait. I work for things so I can have them immediately. I appreciated instant gratification. I am not one that can "let it be". I feel an insane amount of anxiety when waiting for an answer. Waiting for a call. Waiting for a decision not in my hands. I want the answers now. I am ready now. At least I think I am.

A new friend and I found ourselves in a precarious situation on Friday. We had committed our hearts and journeys to a this new job. We had shared our fears and excitements and many words of faith and encouragement. We discussed taking that first step into something so much bigger than ourselves. And then it was gone. The project was not underway when it should have been. It was postponed. To a time beyond our capabilities for financial stability. I panicked. She reminded me that this had only opened us up to possibilities we would have missed otherwise. She is an inspiration.

I am trying to hard to let things be. To methodically search for a new opportunity. To get up earlier to do yoga to try and calm my mind for the day. To put myself in a position where I am ready for an opportunity. But my reality is that I may be out of a job for the first time in my life. I could beg to stay where I am. In a place where I am unhappy and not bringing my all. All in knowing how unfair I would be to the people who have applied for my job and have interviews arranged. Recognizing I would only be here, hopefully, for the briefest of times. I have never known what it means to need a job. I have wanted plenty but never felt such a need. This is new. And not pleasurable.

I am not even pregnant. I cannot just stay home and sleep all day. I must work. I must work through this. I am learning lessons I have long since avoided. I am going to learn to make peace with Gods plan and to let my tapestry unfold the way the witches in Hercules are making it. I must learn to have greater faith. I am stepping off this cliff.