Sunday, 26 July 2015

I Won't Scream In My Head And Let It Isolate Me

It is comforting to know we are all a little messed up. That I am not the only one that has days where I wake up and realize I hate myself. Or that others also get so trapped in their thoughts it's hard to find a way out. 

My own thoughts have seemed like a devil I can't defeat lately. I suppose I know my own insecurities more than anyone else so of course it's easy for me to use them against myself. And I am pretty sure I just haven't been making the time to process my thoughts so they are overtaking me and screaming in my head. Over and over. 

Lately it's been two solid trains of thought. Completely seperate yet hoping to collide. Train one reminds me that I need to be more dedicated to exercise if I want to box this year and because I am feeling pretty bummed about my size yet I can't seem to stay motivated enough to change it. Which is even more disheartening. Train two has realized that having babies is actually something that has potential in my nearer future and that is horrifying. One of the only things I have been sure of is that I will be a great mum and now that it could be close I am absolutely terrified. I don't know who I am becoming.

I just want to feel like I am back on track. Like I am that girl that can just write and listen to music and exercise draw and feel super cool. Instead I am feeling old and out of shape and like a train wreck. Like my trains have already collided. 

I just need to scream and start making changes. I can be better than this. 

Saturday, 25 July 2015

The City Calls To Her This Is Your Chance This Is Your Freedom

I was sure I had learned to reframe. To be more accepting. But it is different when things are in your control and you realize that you are quite likely responsible. I am not sure if I wanted it too much, or if I was too stubborn or if I just wanted to feel something. Or maybe it is all in my head. 

It's been a few days past 5 months. Things were fine. I was trying to move on and be less afraid of what I couldn't remember and just to live. I worked. I worked out. I played. And now here I am. The headaches are back. And is it because I chose boxing and have been hit in the head more times than I would ever admit? Or it is because I am stressed? Or it is because I have just worked myself up to think I have headaches because I want an excuse? I am not sure. But I am sure I didn't want the sensitivity. The spot I assume I hit aches again. And by aches I mean it's like a knife any time something touches my head. Or when I am doing nothing. It is back to that sharp random pain that makes me cringe. I have two days until my next class. I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to bail on class because I feel less than perfect. But I also am starting to worry that getting hit is actually making things worse. 

And in the end none of this explains the moodiness or the constant turmoil my stomach has become. Food looks amazing. And smells amazing. But it only seems to take minutes before the aching begins. And the murder dreams started again last night. This is all too familiar. And yet new. It's like my body is reminding me that I hate myself. That I am pretending to be someone I am not. 

I am falling apart. 

Monday, 20 July 2015

I Never Asked To Be The One

I feel like I have lost myself. As if I am someone I miss. It feels like a tragic thought. But I don't think that makes it less true. Life is swallowing me up. 

I didn't imagine any of this. I didn't plan for it. Or hope for it. And maybe I don't hate it. But I didn't ask to be the one. I didn't ask to feel so integral. To have a leadership roll. To be in charge of things. I am too new. Too young. Too insecure for this. How am I trusted to interview people? To make decisions about futures? To organize a team?

It is exhausting. And stressful and my days feel long. And my temper feels short. I am so tired. I just was not prepared for this. I didn't think my first career position would become so invoked so quickly. And as much as I love it, it may be drowning me. If I could just set better boundaries and only work my hours and be less invested it would be perfect. And a job. Not a career. I just am not adjusting as well as I would have hoped for myself. 

I need some time. To find some strength. To find myself. To figure out what I have become and where I am going. I just want to find myself again. I think I was just becoming happy with who I was right before I left myself alone in the woods to be lost in a maze with no light to follow home.