Saturday, 30 August 2014

I Will Follow You Into The Dark

Ten years. I still remember the post it. Your brother had given me a list of bands to check out one time after he cut class with me and we went to taste of chaos. It worked out because I was 16 and could drive, he was still 15. The list included spill canvas, pretty girls make graces and death can for cutie, among others.

In a mere 15 minutes I will finally be seeing death cab live. Words cannot express this. I have literally waited ten years. I have been in the wrong city so many times. I nearly saw Ben Gibbard last year on his Postal Service tour, I had even driven 14 hours for it. But alas, the band fell ill and the concert was cancelled only hours before my life was to be fulfilled. This time it is happening.

The claustrophobia hangs in the back of my mind as the crowd around me draws closer. The potent smell of marijuana lingers just moments after being offered a toke. The surroundings are so familiar. I used to be young and love for shows like this. When did I become an old lady at 26? But I am here. My lungs burn and I am standing strong. This moment will not be taken.

My husband proposed as a guitarist played I will follow you into the dark. It was again played at our first dance. Death cab also spent many nights being the background as I slept and days drifting through my yoga classes. It has defined my life, lived through my best and my worst. And now we are to be together.

Thank you for letting your brother go to that concert with me even though it was weird. He enriched my life in a way no one will know. But today thank you, for giving me this.

Eight minutes until my mind is blown.

Friday, 29 August 2014

We All Got Wooden Nails

The pieces are falling, so quickly. It feels as though my life has become a tetris game except this time the pieces are falling at me and even as I sprint I cannot make them all fit. I wish I could find the pause button. The one to slow it down. I just wanted to tell one physician, but her squealing and forehead kisses of pride turned into the shouting of a need to celebrate and a small crowd of coworkers appearing. It felt awkward, I couldnt stop it. And now I am sitting waiting to tell my employer. Thinking of the new job that embarks in October but letting it be overshadowed by my need to find my ducks and line them up for an application for my real life.Everything is happening at once. My world is changing. I am terrified with undertones of ecstasy. The emotions are crashing in like waves destroying sand castles. So much is happening in every moment. I want to pause, to slow this down. To save the sandcastles that feel important but are not. To hold everything back until I am ready to cope and process. But sometimes all of this movement is coming from my mind. I can slow my thoughts down long enough to flow through my vinyasa's or watch a trashy show as I sit in the bath, but not long enough to really gain control.

This is for real.I need to start speaking it. Living it. Allowing myself to breathe in this new life without letting the waves drown me.

I am eligible for a provisional physiotherapy license. I know there is an exam in 11 weeks and 2 days. I know I have to pass for independence and the ability to practice fully. To remove the provisions. To achieve the success I have spent 8 years fighting for. But here I am, able to actually start applying for work. Eligible to actually interview, to treat patients, to breathe. I am moving on. I am about to open the door of closure.

I have been scared to say it. To admit this is happening. Too afraid to leave my safety net that I dont even like. Scared that it is all a dream. That I cant possibly be reaching the tip of the success I have yearned for. That this is only a taste of perfection to just hook me for a bit longer. All of the time waiting has mentally drained me. The failures deflated my self esteem. But this is real, I am doing it. I was good enough. I am smart enough. I was made for this. I breathe it. I am a physiotherapist.

I can win this tetris game.

I'm Stronger Than I've Been Before

I waited so long. It felt like time didnt exist any more. As if waiting had enveloped every single thing in its wake. Then suddenly it was over. I cried before it was over. Then it was over. I screamed. I danced. My husband smiled. I showered. I felt elated. I went to bed. And it was over. 

At first I thought I would scream it. Scream from the bottom of my lungs. Let the words explode out of me. And then I didnt. I kept it. Inside, sacred, special. I quietly shared with my best friends. With my family. I moved on. Somehow my husband forgot I hadnt had a chance to share with his side. So he awkwardly told them in a story about Froyo. I felt so embarrassed as they all stared and congratulated. This part was over. It is over.

Yet, all of this build up. The continued heightening of emotions as I waited and the it was just over. It wasnt how I imagined. I expected it to change everything I suppose. I was waiting for this moment to define my life. And all it defined was the many pages that needed to be filled out. It reminded me that it was time to open the books once more. That there was only 12 more weeks left. It was such a fleeting high that maybe it has not set in. Maybe I got so used to failing that I dont know how to cope with success.

Regardless, that chapter is closed. I can finally move on to the point where I get to choose my own adventure.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Canadians from Australian Lives, in Canada

You asked how the day was. All at once I realized there were not many words to describe it, yet it was a day that was almost perfect. It reawakened so much in me that felt long gone. It reminded me of a life that existed.

It has been nineteen months. So long. An eternity. And yet I had twenty five months there. A life. I had a home, jobs, uni, friends, favourite places. A real life. How do you explain that to someone that has never been there and doesn't know any of those people or places? How can you relate that life without having tangible things to show for it? It makes it feel like it wasnt sure some times. Like I never left everything I had ever known behind and just got on a plane. But I did. I cried in the airport with Kaity when I realized what was happening. When I reached the point of no return. And then I left. Everything changed in those months. I changed. I had all of these experiences that will never quite be understood by those that were not a part of it.

So having my home girl here this week has reminded me that it is real. Night one we gossiped for hours about every person we had known there, just trying to recap where everyone was now. How all of our lives had changed. We laughed about events with our two best friends. We laughed at our own stupidity. I felt alive. Another day and some has passed and it almost doesnt feel real. The release of talking about my Australian with another Canadian that was Australian with me is incredible. The realization that in these days and moments our lives are in the exact same place seems too good to be true. To have someone else awaiting results and wishing she could move back to the sunshine of Brissy just feels like I am looking at myself. Like my emotions have created another human to express themselves to me.

These days are expressed to other people in a wordless manner. I cannot explain how the day was. It was perfect. It was like reliving my life without being back there. It was perfect.

Monday, 18 August 2014

I Want To Reinvent The Heartbeat

I am very unsettled and nervous lately. Feeling anxiety that seems so musty and familiar but also unwanted. Feeling incapable of doing anything as the paralyzing state of anxiety is continually setting in. It is like watching Rigor Mortis and knowing that it cannot be stopped, it is a process of death and sleep and must pave its path before anything new can occur. I am unsure if it is more painful for me to be aware of what is happening or feeling like I am suffocating in it. I am on edge waiting for something and nothing all together. I am moody and having trouble concentrating for no reason at all, and yet maybe it is for every reason.

I want to say I am happy with who I am. I have so much. A husband, a home, a job, a job prospect that holds most of my hopes and dreams. I am fit and spiritual. I have nearly it all. But what if the one thing that I wanted almost as much as a husband, I cant have? What if this didnt work out for the third time. I already feel embarrassed, ashamed, self deflated. I cannot handle the emotions that are tied to another failure. I cannot cope. I just need this to be my success. I need this. It is beyond wanting and hoping. It feels like I need to pass as much as I need air.  I just cannot help but feel like those two years almost never happened, that I didnt achieve a professional career because I unable to use it here. To feel like I wasted 150 grand for nothing. To feel my debt swallowing me with maniacal laughter as it knows it was for nothing and yet can ruin everything.

I need this. I want to say I can feel whole and successful without this. That there are so many other things that fulfill people. But I wont say that. I need this. I need to survive the next week and see the unexpected results. See a new page. Not the same one rewritten. My hopes are so much higher than I voice. I act nonchalant. Like I am brave. Reality is that I am terrified. That this week or so until I see words online or in the mail could really give me a breath of hope and fresh air or it could push me down the rabbit hole.

I know the truth is I will survive the emotional scarring of another failure but it would take its toll. All scars do. I could just use a win about now.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

The Type of Water That is Wet

The suit was tight, tighter than I remembered and the goggles were new, so unlike the ones I found in a lost and found box and used for years before they disappeared. But I was determined. Four years ago an era ended. One where I spent the majority of my non academic time srrounded by chlorine. Five solid years of chlorine. Years where the minimum weekly swim was 500 yards. And suddenly I was struggling for a mere 25 m. I somehow had let it all go. I gave up the pool life once I fell into yoga. Yoga become my extra source of income and somehow seemed an upgrade from the lifeguard years. It was new and exciting with the pay so much higher than the ten hourly dollars I knew so well. But somehow I knew it was time to return. To push my lungs and muscles somewhere they had forgotten. As much as the first 25 seemed never ending as the km mark was reached I felt energized. I knew the adrenaline had kicked in ad that I could push further but I also knew that it was the end for the night. A successful place holder until next time.

It is so easy to forget the past in that conscious way. Releasing actions and activities that seem irrelevant. Forcing ourselves to forge a new trail. Yet for me this often means losing something I once loved. Allowing time to taint enjoyment and throwing the baby out with the bath water. Perhaps it is my lack of work life balance and finding a way to make time for everything so I forgo it all as I constantly stare at a schedule that just commitment. I think I just needed that first plunge though. To feel the water engulf me and the lanes feel as familiar as all do. The reminder that I can go back. Perhaps this is the beginning of something old.

Monday, 11 August 2014

And These Are The Words You Wish You Wrote Down

It is like a time machine. It just takes a few words and I am transformed back to those moments, those emotions. I can feel the heart ache, the questioning, the feigned hope and strength as I tried to convince myself that I was strong and ready for the world. I have never wrote for any one else. I have always wrote as a medium to express myself. To try and get out the words I can never find with my voice. To help myself grow and heal. And going back and reading words from over four years ago is transforming. 

There are moments as I re read when I just want to scream at my younger self. To plead with myself to forget about boys that forgot about me long before I wrote about them. To tell myself that things would work out and that I was strong enough. To just wait a bit longer. To know that I wasnt alone. But I cant go back there. I cant convince a 22 year old that eventually marriage would happen. Or a 24 year old that the exam would be a hurdle that wouldnt be overcome for an indefinite amount of time. I can only look back and laugh, and cry and be grateful that I put down the words I did.

I am not even really sure why I stopped blogging when I got married. I think part of it was just the transition. Marriage changes so much. You are now planning a life with another human and it takes a lot of work and organization. And I think I felt so boring. What is interesting about me cleaning and cooking? Not a lot. Other than the fact I am actually really good at cooking. So I stopped writing. And there are so many words I wish I wrote down. So let this be a lesson to myself. I will always treasure the words I wrote, even the ones that in the moment I probably didnt think were worth writing.

This is the way you wish your voice sounds, handsome and smart.

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Not All Dinosaurs Were Equally Dumb

Some dinosaurs were clearly dumber. I mean look at the Stegosaurus with its tiny brain in comparison to it's body. Now look at the Trodon. Clearly a specimen to admire with it's agility, innate sense of smell for hunting and its coordination. But even with these skills that seem so far out of reach for my human self it is said that those intelligent dinosaurs really were only as smart as our modern day ostriches which in turn are correlated to our D average students. And that is not me.  Thus I must be smarter than Trodons and T-Rex's, at least in theory.

 If only this knowledge actually made me feel smarter or accomplished. The past few days everyone has been asking about the dreaded exam. And when I say everyone I actually mean it. A lady that takes my pilates class asked incessantly, a coworker, my mother, my brother. Everyone that sees me is asking! I want to punch them all in the head. What part of "6-8 weeks and I have already failed before so am trying to move on an not think about another impending, heart crushing failure", do people not understand? I hate questions like that. Prying questions that people have no business asking. I feel an urge to let them know that they are so similar to the Stegosaurus, brains that leave them equivalent to ferns. To explain that I already rake the pains of failure over my open wounds incessantly and don't need other external reminders of the struggles I can't get over. 

I wonder how the Trodon's had patience for the Stegosaurus. Did they not feel frustrated at the lack of comprehension? Or did they just kill them in one fell swoop, appreciating the easy target? I need to meet with success before I cannot control my frustration any longer and end up tearing someone apart when they just think they are being considerate asking about my life.

Not all dinosaurs were equally dumb. Not all humans are equally smart. But I think we both had struggles in our own way. Maybe I just need better perspective and to realize that perhaps the Stegosaurus was happy in its complacency. That I am not as smart as I thought I was and failure was inevitable at some point. Maybe I just need to to take some time feeling like a Stegosaurus to appreciate what I had when I lived that high life of academic success. 

This Trodon surely can regain its brains somehow.

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

A Little Strength to Redefine

Needed some time so I could find a little strength to redefine, what I've become, what I have done. I never asked to be the one.

There isnt really a reason for it. I just have noticed that lately things have seemed more difficult for me. Strained. Frustrations are rising. Perhaps because this isnt were I wanted to be 9 years ago, let alone today. I know there should be so much gratitude for a job close to home, that  is easy and pays well. But it was always supposed to be my in between not my forever. My fall back to pay tuition. My in for a medical profession. The first rung on  my never ending ladder. And now it feels like I have never left that rung. Like the ladder towers over me wondering why I cant climb. 

The thing is, I love climbing. This past weekend I spend far too long climbing a cherry tree picking cherries. I crave that exhilaration when you are on your tippy toes knowing the cherries are out of reach and that you should fall but still having to go for it. Willing yourself not to fall. It probably didnt hurt to watch my husband watch in horror, continually asking me to come down before I got hurt. I wasnt that high. There were more cherries. I was having fun. So many childish excuses. But I felt alive. I liked watching him worry because it reminded me of how much he loved me. 

But that isnt the ladder that gives me issues. It is the bigger one. The one that holds my aspirations. I suppose that the difficulty I feel lately is mostly from the weights I keep picking up and throwing in my bag. It's like I see something to drag myself down and there I go clasping onto it for dear life. I feel the failure hanging heavy in the air, like a brewing storm. I sense some form of urgency in everything. In moving on. In organizing our home. In having children. It is as if I have to fight time. To fight the brewing storm that only exists within myself. 

I think I am at a point where I need to free myself. To let go of so much from the past. Actually, more so to accept it. The failures, the highs, the existence of it all. Perhaps Yellowcard is right, I just need some time to find the strength to redefine. I can feel my potential within I just seem to stifle it before it has a chance to be anything. Before I can become anything above the ladder rung I have come to live on.

Something has to change within. Love needs to be found for myself. I just need to start believing in myself again. To take that reach that feels just a little too far and pull onto that ladder rung that seems so impossibly far. It is time to move on. I will be someone I respect. Someone I want to tell others about. The strength is there. I just need to dig a little deeper.

Friday, 1 August 2014

I Want This To Be, My Awakening

Cuz with the morning comes the rest of my life. Cuz with the morning I can open my eyes.

I feel like I am once again at that point where the path has faded and I am left staring at the trees. So much is ahead but so little is visible. All I know is that I have to go forward. Forward into the unknown. The ground feels unsure beneath, a reminder that I have to stand on my own two feet. That it is time to be sure of myself because there is little else to be sure of. I cannot live in the comfort zone any longer. It feels like it is pushing me out. Forcing me to make these choices. To move forward. Onward. To grow, to feel that pain of growing, only overshadowed by the fear of the unknown.

I suppose I needed this more than I thought. Needed to move on. To get out. I had a plan when I moved back. I would float through exams and start my career and feel accomplished. I never imagined that those exams would become my mountains. That the accomplished feeling of success would come from marriage. And from a job I only have because one time I made a robot video and won a contest. One robot video and 4 years later and my life is entirely different than I ever imagined.

This is what I need though. To move on. To open my eyes to the realities and to take opportunities. To let go of all the self limiting beliefs I create for myself and to just be. To breathe in life, to stress less and to actually take the time to do what I love.

Not getting everything I dreamed of just might be the be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

At least you know I still care enough to write.