I am not patient. I do not like to wait. I work for things so I can have them immediately. I appreciated instant gratification. I am not one that can "let it be". I feel an insane amount of anxiety when waiting for an answer. Waiting for a call. Waiting for a decision not in my hands. I want the answers now. I am ready now. At least I think I am.
A new friend and I found ourselves in a precarious situation on Friday. We had committed our hearts and journeys to a this new job. We had shared our fears and excitements and many words of faith and encouragement. We discussed taking that first step into something so much bigger than ourselves. And then it was gone. The project was not underway when it should have been. It was postponed. To a time beyond our capabilities for financial stability. I panicked. She reminded me that this had only opened us up to possibilities we would have missed otherwise. She is an inspiration.
I am trying to hard to let things be. To methodically search for a new opportunity. To get up earlier to do yoga to try and calm my mind for the day. To put myself in a position where I am ready for an opportunity. But my reality is that I may be out of a job for the first time in my life. I could beg to stay where I am. In a place where I am unhappy and not bringing my all. All in knowing how unfair I would be to the people who have applied for my job and have interviews arranged. Recognizing I would only be here, hopefully, for the briefest of times. I have never known what it means to need a job. I have wanted plenty but never felt such a need. This is new. And not pleasurable.
I am not even pregnant. I cannot just stay home and sleep all day. I must work. I must work through this. I am learning lessons I have long since avoided. I am going to learn to make peace with Gods plan and to let my tapestry unfold the way the witches in Hercules are making it. I must learn to have greater faith. I am stepping off this cliff.