Thursday, 17 July 2014

And I've Been Dying to Get Out and That Might Be the Death of Me

There is a suffocating feeling when I realize this is my life. Like the walls are closing in and there is no way out. Trapped in a job that is not my career without the ability to leave because of an exam I cant seem to overcome and the pure fact that this prison like facility pays me too well for me to afford freedom. I find positions I would love but half the pay is a struggle. I don't lead a life without responsibility. I have a man. Loans. A home. I cant just follow passion and forget about the bills. As much as I wish I could. And the alternative has seemed so far out of reach the past 9 months. It was supposed to be simple. Just take an exam they said. No one ever told me what failure would feel like.

I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so You won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate.

That feeling when you are treading water and your muscles are cramping and you begin to sink just enough to take in the water and remind yourself that quitting is the end always seems to come the moment before reprieve. It feels like I have been living that eternal moment for a long while. Trying to keep myself going but knowing that I am near exhaustion and frustration and that reality is close. I near found reprieve a few weeks ago when I interviewed for a position in a fitness centre that I knew I would enjoy. I felt confident and like I might have found my niche, at least until my dreams came true. And then the water pulled just a little bit harder and I felt that grasping sense of despair as I realized that the pay cut was far beyond what expenses allowed. It was just like another tease of rescue as the waves curled up a little bit further.

I gotta get outta here, I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

As per life, the moments when I felt like I really couldn't stay on this path much longer without some sort of light to look towards the reprieve arrived. I have finally found that passionate feeling I lost a long time ago. A sense of renewal, hope and excitement. It is as if I am giddy constantly awaiting the light of October. I have joined a program for inspiring youth through yoga, meditation and self inquiry. After a day of training and coming to see the potential of this opportunity I realized this was my lifesaver. I was finally getting out and reminding myself that life isn't meant to be suffered through. That work doesn't have to be that overwhelming burden of darkness. That passion and love can be the basis for the future. 

I'm giving up on doing this alone now. Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how. 

I have those inklings of fear as I realize I have a waiting period of ten weeks before everything changes. Before I give up the familiar for the unknown. That in that time I will once again find out results that have twice been negative. That my world is about to change in a way I could have never dreamed. I may be finding a way to get out that wont be the death of me. 

Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake. I gotta get outta here. And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

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