Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Non Resolutions

I don't resolve. I don't sit there as the New Years rings in making resolutions that will only be forgotten. I don't post articles and comments to create the facade that I am perfect or keeping my life in order. But I am trying. I decided this year I would come to understand my pain and find the healthiest way to cope with it so that I can be a mother. I decided to make a change. I have attended appointments and committed to learning and changing. And for the first time I am realizing I have changed.

As the hours passed at work yesterday the misery settled in further. My eyes ached and watered, my chest was tight, the sinuses were congested, and my whole body ached. I knew I was out of sick time. Thank you accident. So I had a choice to make. I try to never be be one calling in sick. But I knew it was better to plan ahead than to last minute create chaos. So I planned with the higher ups for a sick day. I helped rearrange calendars and ensured my day of rest would affect as few people as possible. 

I stocked up on vitamin c and orange juice and eye drops and nasal spray. I curled up into bed early and allowed myself to sleep in. There was slight guilt over the time off as I awoke still feeling human. And then it began. The cold was something I could survive even with my allergy to any medications that could help. But the pain began. It was the same pain that sent me to the emergency room 6 months ago. Yet I knew that this would not be the case today. I had already arranged my sick day which was a huge unforeseen blessing. I sat in a hot bath. I took painkillersand placed   hot packs on my devil organ.  I recognized the pain was not a consequence, just a fact. That I needed to logically follow all self management strategies known and then let it take its course. And then I realized I had changed. I reached acceptance. I had reframed the thoughts on pain. I had realized that this was just a small part of my life and wasn't the definition of me. 

I may not make lists of goals I will never achieve. But I think today was just a little reminder to myself that I have grown up. And am finally taking care of myself. All it took was me realizing how hard becoming and mother could be for me and that I want to give myself the best chance at if. And some times that means slowing down and letting my body sort itself out. Hopefully one day all this pays off with a tiny human.

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