The words stared back from the screen. Why would you ask that? Why would that be your first deep question when we were just talking about the weekend. About your life. It hurt. It felt like a knife coming in near the heart. And only because you wouldn't have asked if you thought I was happy. I hated that you noticed. That you asked. That you asking, made the flaws keeping me down even more apparent.
Words spilled. Words I wanted so badly to stay in the jar. To stay close to my soul. I started to recognize why things were falling apart internally. It's May. Just days between your birthday and the day you left us. Just a short time time away from what marks 5 years. Five years. It sounds like an eternity and yet in these moments, the scars feel so fresh.
The answer couldn't have been a yes and be true. I knew internally I was shattered. My insecurities have been mounting. The recognition that people always leave and my ability to try and pull away and leave first. Noticing my guarding and selfish thoughts in an attempt to protect myself from the enemy. Unfortunately, it's hard to guard yourself from yourself. So the truth had to be no.
I am feeling so unaffected. My affect is flat. I don't feel happy and I know it. And I don't know how I am going to fix this. But I think you asking is a start as it made me realize that something is very wrong. That I can't keep living like this.