Tuesday, 4 August 2015

The Exes That Make You Why

The subconscious seems to be a friend of the devil. Or perhaps it is just sadistic. Or maybe that's just mine. But I think it is true. My subconscious loves nothing more than dredging up the past. Reminding me of all the reasons I have to be insecure. To question the world. To wonder why I ever let go. Sometimes it's in the form of dreams that feel more relentless and tormenting than dreamy. Other times it's reminders from words or lyrics or moments. It just seems like my subconscious wants to hold my past with its last breath, no matter how hard I try and suffocate it. 

I don't hate my past. I don't feel shame. I just don't want to remember all the times my heart was broken or the choices that could have been better or the whys that were never answered. I don't want to relive the times I was not good enough or the times I couldn't hold on to. I just want to appreciate the now. The life I am trying to create. The people I have. I don't want to be dragged down by my moodiness or reminders of the hold that depression has had. I don't want to look in the mirror and see mistakes or wish for wishes that are not mine. 

I just wish that sometimes I could sit down with my subconscious and remind it of the pain, the hurt, the loss that it holds and that I don't want to be that girl any more. I don't want to be the one that wishes that exes gave answers. That lost people came back. That could take back words and glances that ruined friendships. I want to be better now instead of constantly being reminded I wasn't better then.

So here it is.

I wish you didn't say you would come to Australia when you knew you never would. You dragged my heart through the mud for years. And you knew it. 

I wish you would have admitted your feelings at any point. Ever. Instead of acting like nothing and then pretending to be so all knowing about everything. I want to punch you in the face every time I see you throw your relationship advice in everyone's face when you spent years refusing to deal with us. Take your own advice. You break hearts.

I wish we could have stayed friends even though we were the most dramatic couple. I loved our arguing even though it was the most unhealthy relationship I could imagine. You ruined music for me for years because I didn't know how to seperate it from you. I wish I could have seen your band, but I heard you had angry songs about your ex and that broke my heart. 

I wish you and you and you knew that I loved you with my whole heart but I just didn't think your lover was good enough for you and it made me feel so frustrated as I thought you were settling. Sorry I ruined friendships with my lack of honest support.

And you. You were manipulative in every way. And I entirely believe you still are. With your reconnecting message reminding me that you never cared about anyone except for yourself. 

We all break hearts some times. And sometimes I want to break faces. But I don't. So subconscious, leave me alone. Let me move on. Let me take on my own heart for once. 

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