And then the questions began in a fashion that was leading me to answers. I feel so much internal and external pressure along with stability. I am finally realizing I do not thrive in an unchanging and stable environment. I feel contained. I need chaos and drama and spontaneity. I can't say that I didn't enjoy those months with different boyfriends constantly and no plans and being able to do whatever I wanted outside the few scheduled hours of learning. I loved being able to move my life. To walk away. To live knowing that nothing was permanent. It felt like home. And living.
So here I am. Apparently struggling to settle into normal routine. Into the life I wanted and created. I think that's how I found myself in a boxing gym. Something inside me knew I needed random. So it found it.
I suppose knowing this is part of the problem helps but it also makes me crave that change. There is only so much I can do with hair and other masking changes. But I can't just move. We can't move. I can't just get up and travel or watch tv for days.
I have felt less out of control since the tears poured. Maybe all I needed was to know that there was a reason for my irrational mental disasters. To have someone piece together the fact that my last birthday increased the baby pressure and that I wasn't ready to give up my life. To hear that all of these tears had a reason. That my sensitivity is from my past. From my experiences.
So on I will go. Wiping the tears that falls searching for change and excitment and trying to take away the structure I so carefully built that is now suffocating me.