Monday, 10 August 2015

The Tears You Didn't Know About That Were Waiting To Fall

It felt like the clarity came from the murkiest water. It was more than a sounding board. It was an objective set of ears. And it felt safe enough. I knew things were weird. Not right. I wasn't myself and the more I tried to explain that the more tears found crevices to escape from. It hurt. It felt like I was finally letting go. And it felt like no one could understand if I didn't know what was going on myself.

And then the questions began in a fashion that was leading me to answers. I feel so much internal and external pressure along with stability. I am finally realizing I do not thrive in an unchanging and stable environment. I feel contained. I need chaos and drama and spontaneity. I can't say that I didn't enjoy those months with different boyfriends constantly and no plans and being able to do whatever I wanted outside the few scheduled hours of learning. I loved being able to move my life. To walk away. To live knowing that nothing was permanent. It felt like home. And living.

So here I am. Apparently struggling to settle into normal routine. Into the life I wanted and created. I think that's how I found myself in a boxing gym. Something inside me knew I needed random. So it found it. 

I suppose knowing this is part of the problem helps but it also makes me crave that change. There is only so much I can do with hair and other masking changes. But I can't just move. We can't move. I can't just get up and travel or watch tv for days.

I have felt less out of control since the tears poured. Maybe all I needed was to know that there was a reason for my irrational mental disasters. To have someone piece together the fact that my last birthday increased the baby pressure and that I wasn't ready to give up my life. To hear that all of these tears had a reason. That my sensitivity is from my past. From my experiences. 

So on I will go. Wiping the tears that falls searching for change and excitment and trying to take away the structure I so carefully built that is now suffocating me. 

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