But You See For Now, I Got My Own Things

Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrow, or to you is it just not real? Cause you got your own things. Yeah, we all have our things I guess.

I wrote words about specifics. About the reasons I feel like I am suffocating and cannot find air. And then I realized it didnt matter. We all have our things. I am just a bit hung up in my own stuff right now. I feel trapped. Sometimes it feels like my degrees are not real. Like Australia never happened. I have been gone for so long and stuck doing nothing useful for a period of time so infinite that even I begin to wonder. And perhaps this is just all catching up in this moment. As I watch people I love having babies, and about to have babies and working in their careers and travelling and doing all of the things I want to be doing. And here I am in stagnant waters. Watching the water rise without being able to move.

I have always wanted to be something. Someone. And these days I look in the mirror and realize I am just here, stuck. Stuck with hair that makes me mental and wanting to change it but feeling the pressure not to. Stuck in a job that so literally is killing my soul and yet all of my attempts to escape seem thwarted. Feeling the pressures of loans and real life and knowing I cannot just escape. I am letting myself down. And it is taking a toll.

I just want to get out of this bog and become the grazing antelope that draws the attention of the other animals with its beauty and strength. I want to be excited and overzealous to share about my life, not frustrated and ashamed. I just want to this weight of the world to adjust to a more tolerable level long enough to let me regroup.

We All Got Wooden Nails

The pieces are falling, so quickly. It feels as though my life has become a tetris game except this time the pieces are falling at me and even as I sprint I cannot make them all fit. I wish I could find the pause button. The one to slow it down. I just wanted to tell one physician, but her squealing and forehead kisses of pride turned into the shouting of a need to celebrate and a small crowd of coworkers appearing. It felt awkward, I couldnt stop it. And now I am sitting waiting to tell my employer. Thinking of the new job that embarks in October but letting it be overshadowed by my need to find my ducks and line them up for an application for my real life.Everything is happening at once. My world is changing. I am terrified with undertones of ecstasy. The emotions are crashing in like waves destroying sand castles. So much is happening in every moment. I want to pause, to slow this down. To save the sandcastles that feel important but are not. To hold everything back until I am ready to cope and process. But sometimes all of this movement is coming from my mind. I can slow my thoughts down long enough to flow through my vinyasa's or watch a trashy show as I sit in the bath, but not long enough to really gain control.

This is for real.I need to start speaking it. Living it. Allowing myself to breathe in this new life without letting the waves drown me.

I am eligible for a provisional physiotherapy license. I know there is an exam in 11 weeks and 2 days. I know I have to pass for independence and the ability to practice fully. To remove the provisions. To achieve the success I have spent 8 years fighting for. But here I am, able to actually start applying for work. Eligible to actually interview, to treat patients, to breathe. I am moving on. I am about to open the door of closure.

I have been scared to say it. To admit this is happening. Too afraid to leave my safety net that I dont even like. Scared that it is all a dream. That I cant possibly be reaching the tip of the success I have yearned for. That this is only a taste of perfection to just hook me for a bit longer. All of the time waiting has mentally drained me. The failures deflated my self esteem. But this is real, I am doing it. I was good enough. I am smart enough. I was made for this. I breathe it. I am a physiotherapist.

I can win this tetris game.