I Saw The Beauty In Your Soul, The Way You Are

Overjoyed. The step was smaller than a babies. Tiny. Just a movement but perhaps it meant everything. I was feeling again.

I have been so caught up for nearly two years. Exams. Stress. Trying to get somewhere that seemed impossible. Then the moment the door opened and I could work there was nothing. It was as if I opened a long anticipated door only to find an empty room. The jobs I had convinced myself I wanted were not what I wanted. The jobs I now wanted didnt seem to exist. I was trapped. My eggs had been thrown over the fence into this empty room. Maybe I had been hoping for something that wasnt real. Perhaps all of this time had made me realize I didnt want this.

Until yesterday. I finally had that feeling again. I felt like myself. I felt alive. It was as if I had been suffocating for so long that I forgot what air felt like and then all of a sudden there was oxygen. My life was back. I want this more than almost anything. This interview could be the rest of my life. A real interview. I passed the screening, they want to see me, to meet me. This is my chance. Five more sleeps until a day that could change my life.

I forgot how beautiful I can be when I am happy. When I feel passion for something. My dream job is close enough I can breathe it. I need this.

A Wordy Rant Full of Emotion and Frustration Based Off Personal Experiences of Disrespect.

I have never given respect so much thought in my entire twenty six years, 3 months and days, than I have in the last few weeks. I knew respect was important. I always tried to respect my elders. I began to learn to respect myself. But I never thought about others respecting me. This realization and desire for respect has been as double edged as any double edged sword. It has been so enlightening and has helped me love myself to an extent I was not aware of. It has also shaken my core with realizations that others do not hold respect, or more likely respect me, in the regard I do.

I should preface this with the fact that I do not live in the city. I live in a smaller city. This results in a commute to everything.

Last month or so, I had an interview. The commute was short and only 30 minutes each way. I had a lot going on that week but was excited for the opportunity so put my life on hold to make this interview work. The problem was that the interviewer never showed up. I asked at the desk several times and they kept reassuring me that I was best to wait. I waited over an hour. Commuted thirty minutes home. Two hours were gone for nothing. No notice that my interview was not happening. Nothing. I felt enraged when I got home. How could someone care so little about my time to not even let me know they were not going to make it? I emailed said interviewer the next day and eventually heard a response that something came up and ultimately they slept through the interview. An apology was made and I moved on.

However, this situation re-emerged this week. I had been feeling under the weather more so than usual so had spent the day at home. I was finally in a really good study groove but did not want to miss out on my study group so begrudgingly hopped in the car to fight rush hour traffic for the next hour to meet with the group. Being who I am, I was early and happy to sit and wait. Five o'clock emerged, no one. I waited another five minutes before sending a message. No response. Another ten minutes. I called. Study group was cancelled. How were they to know I was coming? I mean I had never missed a single study group up to that point. I had said I was coming. How would they know I wasnt tricking them? They didnt bother to let me know and felt no remorse that I had now wasted ninety minutes. I was livid. Not even an apology! As if this was my own doing! I was fortunate enough to spend the next hour commuting home in rush hour, letting my anger festinate.

Perhaps I am being dramatic. Or perhaps I just want my time to be respected. I want others to recognize that my time is as valuable as their time is. That I also have a busy life and sacrifice for meetings. That I am the one that lives out of town and that driving in rush hour is like being tortured. I just want to feel respected. And to spend my time with people that respect me, not people that do not even think of me as an after thought.

Hence, I have not heard back from said job as they are still trying to get organized and will contact me again in a few weeks. And I am looking for new study partners as I am tired of being unappreciated or recognized.

Respect is weightier than we realize. I hope to disrespect people a lot less often as I have become aware of its effects.

Was This For Real? It's Hard to Tell. Cause it was such a Beautiful Mess

There is uncertainty. Everything is shifting. I would worry about the tectonic plates if I didnt know it was me. How do you feel stable when your life is coming apart around you?I put in notice, but I have no paperwork for the supposed new job. I have no official words that say when it starts. I have ideas and words spoken and unorganized thoughts shared, but that is not enough. I like stability. I wander from change and growth. So how can I just say I am leaving with no certainty? And is this even the right move? What if I could find a physiotherapy position full time? Am I passing on opportunities I am missing because of blinders? And what if I find a place but they will not accommodate Vegas or Christmas? We have plans. I had it so easy. So casual. So little expended. Why do I crave more? Thrive for something real?

Was this for real, it's hard to tell 'Cause it was such a beautiful mess we had got into

We All Got Wooden Nails

The pieces are falling, so quickly. It feels as though my life has become a tetris game except this time the pieces are falling at me and even as I sprint I cannot make them all fit. I wish I could find the pause button. The one to slow it down. I just wanted to tell one physician, but her squealing and forehead kisses of pride turned into the shouting of a need to celebrate and a small crowd of coworkers appearing. It felt awkward, I couldnt stop it. And now I am sitting waiting to tell my employer. Thinking of the new job that embarks in October but letting it be overshadowed by my need to find my ducks and line them up for an application for my real life.Everything is happening at once. My world is changing. I am terrified with undertones of ecstasy. The emotions are crashing in like waves destroying sand castles. So much is happening in every moment. I want to pause, to slow this down. To save the sandcastles that feel important but are not. To hold everything back until I am ready to cope and process. But sometimes all of this movement is coming from my mind. I can slow my thoughts down long enough to flow through my vinyasa's or watch a trashy show as I sit in the bath, but not long enough to really gain control.

This is for real.I need to start speaking it. Living it. Allowing myself to breathe in this new life without letting the waves drown me.

I am eligible for a provisional physiotherapy license. I know there is an exam in 11 weeks and 2 days. I know I have to pass for independence and the ability to practice fully. To remove the provisions. To achieve the success I have spent 8 years fighting for. But here I am, able to actually start applying for work. Eligible to actually interview, to treat patients, to breathe. I am moving on. I am about to open the door of closure.

I have been scared to say it. To admit this is happening. Too afraid to leave my safety net that I dont even like. Scared that it is all a dream. That I cant possibly be reaching the tip of the success I have yearned for. That this is only a taste of perfection to just hook me for a bit longer. All of the time waiting has mentally drained me. The failures deflated my self esteem. But this is real, I am doing it. I was good enough. I am smart enough. I was made for this. I breathe it. I am a physiotherapist.

I can win this tetris game.

A Little Strength to Redefine

Needed some time so I could find a little strength to redefine, what I've become, what I have done. I never asked to be the one.

There isnt really a reason for it. I just have noticed that lately things have seemed more difficult for me. Strained. Frustrations are rising. Perhaps because this isnt were I wanted to be 9 years ago, let alone today. I know there should be so much gratitude for a job close to home, that  is easy and pays well. But it was always supposed to be my in between not my forever. My fall back to pay tuition. My in for a medical profession. The first rung on  my never ending ladder. And now it feels like I have never left that rung. Like the ladder towers over me wondering why I cant climb. 

The thing is, I love climbing. This past weekend I spend far too long climbing a cherry tree picking cherries. I crave that exhilaration when you are on your tippy toes knowing the cherries are out of reach and that you should fall but still having to go for it. Willing yourself not to fall. It probably didnt hurt to watch my husband watch in horror, continually asking me to come down before I got hurt. I wasnt that high. There were more cherries. I was having fun. So many childish excuses. But I felt alive. I liked watching him worry because it reminded me of how much he loved me. 

But that isnt the ladder that gives me issues. It is the bigger one. The one that holds my aspirations. I suppose that the difficulty I feel lately is mostly from the weights I keep picking up and throwing in my bag. It's like I see something to drag myself down and there I go clasping onto it for dear life. I feel the failure hanging heavy in the air, like a brewing storm. I sense some form of urgency in everything. In moving on. In organizing our home. In having children. It is as if I have to fight time. To fight the brewing storm that only exists within myself. 

I think I am at a point where I need to free myself. To let go of so much from the past. Actually, more so to accept it. The failures, the highs, the existence of it all. Perhaps Yellowcard is right, I just need some time to find the strength to redefine. I can feel my potential within I just seem to stifle it before it has a chance to be anything. Before I can become anything above the ladder rung I have come to live on.

Something has to change within. Love needs to be found for myself. I just need to start believing in myself again. To take that reach that feels just a little too far and pull onto that ladder rung that seems so impossibly far. It is time to move on. I will be someone I respect. Someone I want to tell others about. The strength is there. I just need to dig a little deeper.

I Want This To Be, My Awakening

Cuz with the morning comes the rest of my life. Cuz with the morning I can open my eyes.

I feel like I am once again at that point where the path has faded and I am left staring at the trees. So much is ahead but so little is visible. All I know is that I have to go forward. Forward into the unknown. The ground feels unsure beneath, a reminder that I have to stand on my own two feet. That it is time to be sure of myself because there is little else to be sure of. I cannot live in the comfort zone any longer. It feels like it is pushing me out. Forcing me to make these choices. To move forward. Onward. To grow, to feel that pain of growing, only overshadowed by the fear of the unknown.

I suppose I needed this more than I thought. Needed to move on. To get out. I had a plan when I moved back. I would float through exams and start my career and feel accomplished. I never imagined that those exams would become my mountains. That the accomplished feeling of success would come from marriage. And from a job I only have because one time I made a robot video and won a contest. One robot video and 4 years later and my life is entirely different than I ever imagined.

This is what I need though. To move on. To open my eyes to the realities and to take opportunities. To let go of all the self limiting beliefs I create for myself and to just be. To breathe in life, to stress less and to actually take the time to do what I love.

Not getting everything I dreamed of just might be the be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

At least you know I still care enough to write.