Sunday, 26 July 2015

I Won't Scream In My Head And Let It Isolate Me

It is comforting to know we are all a little messed up. That I am not the only one that has days where I wake up and realize I hate myself. Or that others also get so trapped in their thoughts it's hard to find a way out. 

My own thoughts have seemed like a devil I can't defeat lately. I suppose I know my own insecurities more than anyone else so of course it's easy for me to use them against myself. And I am pretty sure I just haven't been making the time to process my thoughts so they are overtaking me and screaming in my head. Over and over. 

Lately it's been two solid trains of thought. Completely seperate yet hoping to collide. Train one reminds me that I need to be more dedicated to exercise if I want to box this year and because I am feeling pretty bummed about my size yet I can't seem to stay motivated enough to change it. Which is even more disheartening. Train two has realized that having babies is actually something that has potential in my nearer future and that is horrifying. One of the only things I have been sure of is that I will be a great mum and now that it could be close I am absolutely terrified. I don't know who I am becoming.

I just want to feel like I am back on track. Like I am that girl that can just write and listen to music and exercise draw and feel super cool. Instead I am feeling old and out of shape and like a train wreck. Like my trains have already collided. 

I just need to scream and start making changes. I can be better than this. 

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