Monday, 20 July 2015

I Never Asked To Be The One

I feel like I have lost myself. As if I am someone I miss. It feels like a tragic thought. But I don't think that makes it less true. Life is swallowing me up. 

I didn't imagine any of this. I didn't plan for it. Or hope for it. And maybe I don't hate it. But I didn't ask to be the one. I didn't ask to feel so integral. To have a leadership roll. To be in charge of things. I am too new. Too young. Too insecure for this. How am I trusted to interview people? To make decisions about futures? To organize a team?

It is exhausting. And stressful and my days feel long. And my temper feels short. I am so tired. I just was not prepared for this. I didn't think my first career position would become so invoked so quickly. And as much as I love it, it may be drowning me. If I could just set better boundaries and only work my hours and be less invested it would be perfect. And a job. Not a career. I just am not adjusting as well as I would have hoped for myself. 

I need some time. To find some strength. To find myself. To figure out what I have become and where I am going. I just want to find myself again. I think I was just becoming happy with who I was right before I left myself alone in the woods to be lost in a maze with no light to follow home. 

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