Monday, 11 August 2014

And These Are The Words You Wish You Wrote Down

It is like a time machine. It just takes a few words and I am transformed back to those moments, those emotions. I can feel the heart ache, the questioning, the feigned hope and strength as I tried to convince myself that I was strong and ready for the world. I have never wrote for any one else. I have always wrote as a medium to express myself. To try and get out the words I can never find with my voice. To help myself grow and heal. And going back and reading words from over four years ago is transforming. 

There are moments as I re read when I just want to scream at my younger self. To plead with myself to forget about boys that forgot about me long before I wrote about them. To tell myself that things would work out and that I was strong enough. To just wait a bit longer. To know that I wasnt alone. But I cant go back there. I cant convince a 22 year old that eventually marriage would happen. Or a 24 year old that the exam would be a hurdle that wouldnt be overcome for an indefinite amount of time. I can only look back and laugh, and cry and be grateful that I put down the words I did.

I am not even really sure why I stopped blogging when I got married. I think part of it was just the transition. Marriage changes so much. You are now planning a life with another human and it takes a lot of work and organization. And I think I felt so boring. What is interesting about me cleaning and cooking? Not a lot. Other than the fact I am actually really good at cooking. So I stopped writing. And there are so many words I wish I wrote down. So let this be a lesson to myself. I will always treasure the words I wrote, even the ones that in the moment I probably didnt think were worth writing.

This is the way you wish your voice sounds, handsome and smart.

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