Monday, 18 August 2014

I Want To Reinvent The Heartbeat

I am very unsettled and nervous lately. Feeling anxiety that seems so musty and familiar but also unwanted. Feeling incapable of doing anything as the paralyzing state of anxiety is continually setting in. It is like watching Rigor Mortis and knowing that it cannot be stopped, it is a process of death and sleep and must pave its path before anything new can occur. I am unsure if it is more painful for me to be aware of what is happening or feeling like I am suffocating in it. I am on edge waiting for something and nothing all together. I am moody and having trouble concentrating for no reason at all, and yet maybe it is for every reason.

I want to say I am happy with who I am. I have so much. A husband, a home, a job, a job prospect that holds most of my hopes and dreams. I am fit and spiritual. I have nearly it all. But what if the one thing that I wanted almost as much as a husband, I cant have? What if this didnt work out for the third time. I already feel embarrassed, ashamed, self deflated. I cannot handle the emotions that are tied to another failure. I cannot cope. I just need this to be my success. I need this. It is beyond wanting and hoping. It feels like I need to pass as much as I need air.  I just cannot help but feel like those two years almost never happened, that I didnt achieve a professional career because I unable to use it here. To feel like I wasted 150 grand for nothing. To feel my debt swallowing me with maniacal laughter as it knows it was for nothing and yet can ruin everything.

I need this. I want to say I can feel whole and successful without this. That there are so many other things that fulfill people. But I wont say that. I need this. I need to survive the next week and see the unexpected results. See a new page. Not the same one rewritten. My hopes are so much higher than I voice. I act nonchalant. Like I am brave. Reality is that I am terrified. That this week or so until I see words online or in the mail could really give me a breath of hope and fresh air or it could push me down the rabbit hole.

I know the truth is I will survive the emotional scarring of another failure but it would take its toll. All scars do. I could just use a win about now.

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