Friday, 19 September 2014

A Babyless Womb

Eleven months, no wonder the questions come. It all came to a moment of utter acknowledgement that only a few people in the universe understand. Trying to have children for me isnt just trying to have children. It is going off the medication that actually controls the pain. It means for the whole time I try and conceive I will be in excruciating pain. That I will be mind numbingly tired. That taking T3's will be like taking candy in the slightest effort to dull the stabbing pain. I cant just say I should have kids and go for it. I have to calculate, I have to be in  a place where I am able to be be in constant pain. I cant be studying for hopefully the last exam of my life. Or searching for a job. I almost need to have it be a point where I can just live in the bath and at acupuncture, two of the only things that actually take the ache away temporarily. I understand, we have been married for nearly a year and for some people that indicates we should be awaiting a child. I get it. I understand that it can take ages so procrastination seems like wasted time. But you dont understand. I am not like everyone else. My body has demands, demands met by hormones. I am not ready to live in a world of pain until a miracle happens. I am okay right now. I am better than usual. Functioning. Keeping the pain at minimum. I cannot ruin that because other people think I should be getting pregnant.

I am not the same as everyone else. You havent seen me without the miracle hormones. You have not had to sit with me day in and day out as I cried in pain. You have not had to hold my hand in the doctors office after yet another procedure resulting in pain so extreme that I vomit. You haven't been there. You haven't seen me at my worst.

So stop assuming I should be having kids now. Stop thinking I am wasting precious childbearing time. I am taking care of myself, of the challenges that need to happen and be overcome before I can submit to the sickness that will envelop  me the moment I start trying to have a child. I am not you. My journey will not be the same as yours. So wait patiently. I want babies one day. Physically I am just not ready yet. So please wait without judgement.

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