Thursday, 18 September 2014

I Want You To Want Me

What do you do when it feels like your dreams are on the verge of possibility and you realize those are no longer the dreams you want?

Time passes, perceptions are altered and all of a sudden the jobs I thought would be ideal are ones I now feel hesitant to even consider. I no longer want to be in this organization. I need a fresh start, something to call my own and I have realized I will never feel that here. I took my first role here before my 17th birthday. I have been around the block before, too many times. I know too many people. I just want somewhere that people will look at me as a physiotherapist, not as all those other roles I have filled. I am not here to do their paperwork, or filing or research. I am not here as an assistant or a fitness instructor. I want to be somewhere where I am just recognized for my professional role. I want that clean slate. So what do I do if the interview next week leads to a job? A real job? And the only option I have? How do you say yes just to know you are looking over their shoulder for something better? Can I commit to staying here longer? Or can I just hold out. Wait for what I want?

Sometimes real life reminds us that we have to compromise for what we ultimately want. Experience cannot be replaced by anything else. Experience I lack. Yet where do you draw the lines for mental sanity and the reality that I need time off at Christmas, flights are booked. I almost just want this to be a learning experience at interviewing as one of those other positions opens up. And can I really turn down that yoga job that I thought was ideal? Especially when it is so disorganized. The schedules were supposed to be in our hands Monday, it is Thursday and I still have nothing. I cant quite my job for nothing.

When did my dreams change? When did I start wanting to be in private practice? And to be on my own creating a path? When did I stop wanting to work at the hospital close to home with easy hours? When did I start thinking for myself?

I wanted to want this but I dont think I do now that I am being looked at as a candidate.

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