I wanted to write that the anticipation was building. The truth is that the build up was of anxiety. A time frame closing in. I said I was leaving, I cannot stay. I do not want to stay. I must step away. Yet I dont have a date. a closing time. I need one. I need to close this chapter. To finally lay it to rest. Since 2005. The seniority. The label. A lot has happened, most of which I want to shelf. This place did not make me who I was. I survived this place.
All of those thoughts swirling as I waited for the interview. The forty minutes of questioning was painful. I became acutely aware of my lack of knowledge. I was not the right fit. I felt no joy. It was robotic. I answered the best I good and the only emotions that rose were flusterings and frustrations with inadequate responses. I left not wanting to be called back because how could I say no? Could I?
This morning a missed call started hours of telephone tag. It culminated in a telephone screening. Somewhere new. A dream. The call was a mere ten minutes. The excitement rose with each question and statement. I felt confident. I was told I would get a call later on ( likely days away I am anticipating) to set up a proper interview. Stage one feels complete. I want this. I crave it. This is the dream, the penultimate. What you aspire towards. This is the door I have been desperately searching for. Now to pray it doesnt close on me.
I struggle to show excitement for what I dont want. I feel resentment here. I need to leave, for my mental health. This door could be the rest of my life. Please call me back. Please make that short list short so I have a real chance. I can be everything you ever wanted.